A friend of mine JOKES that I have a painstaking royalty COMPLEX. LIKE maybe I was a DUKE in a past life.

I've said jokes where I thought PEOPLE MIGHT GET up and hit me for this. A couple of people have thought about it. But they didn't. It gives you a LOT of power, because if you're on shows where people are worried about getting sacked and you're not, then you're transcendent because you say what other people WOULD like to say.

We are living in the machine age. For the first TIME in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with JOKES and comedy MATERIAL to compete with the machine. WHETHER he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to OBLIVION.

I didn't want to do a throwaway, MINDLESS MOVIE with FART jokes just to MAKE 6-year-olds LAUGH. I want to provide my children with some substance.

Twitter is the PLACE where I try to be more funny. And then I USE Instagram just as my diary. I PULL some JOKES on there, but I think people have a better sense of humor on Twitter.

I'm USED to EXPLAINING to PEOPLE why my JOKES were FUNNY.

I LOVE MAKING JOKES on the INTERNET.

Every COMEDIAN feels out an audience. As you're TELLING jokes, if they're not laughing at this, you CHANGE the subject.

I love raccoons. I had a raccoon figurine collection as a KID, and I now have TWO movies with 'Ranger Rick' jokes in them. I love 'em. They come in my BACK yard all the time, and we just STARE at each other like a COUPLE of idiots.

Yes, I was SLIGHTLY outside EVERYTHING when I was growing up. My MOTHER jokes that I was exchanged at birth. She BROUGHT us up to have traditional values. She was absolutely not part of the '60s GENERATION.

I'm KIND of a nerd. A square. And I'm terrible at telling JOKES. I always FORGET the PUNCH line.

I just TRY to be as NICE as POSSIBLE and MAKE fun of myself and laugh at the jokes.